Is Anyone Listening?

            On my frequent trips to San Francisco from my home in Pebble Beach, I often follow Rt. 1 North along the coast, through verdant fields overflowing with artichokes, up and over the hill in Santa Cruz, the road winding recklessly into the heart of Silicon Valley before crossing over and turning north on Rt. 280. There, backing up to one particularly scenic vista of rolling hills dotted with grazing sheep, I see the massive circular disc pointed skyward that’s known as the Stanford Listening Station. It’s manned 24/7 by modern day Lt. O’Horas constantly listening for communication from other galaxies. I always know when I pass it because in an ironic twist, my cell phone coverage is interrupted and my personal listening device is rendered useless. Annoying as this experience is, it reminds me of the importance of communication and connection, where the simple act of listening can be transforming. What if they (or we) actually hear something?!

           Somewhere along the way we’ve lost our ability to listen and really hear someone else. Ernest Hemingway recognized this disconnect, commenting, “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” As teens we chattered constantly. In college we spent whole nights brainstorming solutions to the problems of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As we entered our cocoon of work and family, the connections we came to depend upon become funneled down to a limited few. As a parent, I‘ve had moments (ok, whole weeks) where I wondered whether I was talking to myself about picking up the dirty laundry, getting homework done on time, and being in before curfew. I have even had discussions with my husband after he’s forgotten a message from weeks earlier, when he innocently asks, “Did you tell me it was important?”

           As we travelled the country on our book events, Katie, Meb and I heard time and time again that we were lucky to be such close friends. Many were shocked to hear we didn’t start off that way, but over the years of working together we had our own personal 24/7 listening devices open to what each other had to say. Our willingness to listen empathetically, without judgment and with compassion, facilitated our deeper connection as well as our continuing successful collaboration.

           At a series of talks we did last year, we spoke about the importance of having, and being, an empathic listener - someone who listens and really hears us as we express our thoughts, our dreams and even our fears, with a willingness to provide honest feedback. Even complete strangers were stunned at the connections they found in the first two minutes of conversation. Some of us find this connection in marriage, others with friends, and sadly, some don’t know what they are missing. In our case, as we chased miracles, not only was it the listening that was important, but the non-judgmental atmosphere that facilitated really being heard and our willingness to challenge each other to go beyond the obvious telling to really understanding the ‘back story’. Listening forged not only a deepening connection of trust and commitment to each other, but Joseph Campbell’s comment, “Love is a friendship set to music,” became music to my ears. (Joan)