The Power of Two

We all know how a life can turn on a dime.

This month, Joan found out how quickly things change when she tripped on an upturned brick in Boston and came crashing down, breaking her hip. My father has given up on living alone after his doctor finally fessed up and told him the truth- at 86 he will never have the balance and stamina he did five years ago no matter how much he walks with his walker. My daughter ended a serious relationship last week, suddenly awakened by a long-delayed conversation that made it painfully clear she and her boyfriend did not share important values.

At these moments, where life presents challenges to the careful balance we create between independence and interdependence, we are hard-wired to reach out to others.  There is a proverb from Vermont that says, “Pleasure makes us acquainted with each other, but it takes trials and grief to make us know each other.”  This hard-wiring for connection is what I view as the Law of Two.

The Law of Two exists because we are social animals. We come into this world wired for connection. Babies notice similarities between their actions and those of others. They participate in “conversations”, taking their turn once Mom makes a face or sticks out her tongue, copying the gesture or responding with a delighted coo. Babies can tell if you are looking at them and notice if you turn away, signaling their disappointment with a cry. In short, babies are born with brains already capable of creating meaning – especially emotional meaning – from the experiences they have with other people. We can even measure these connections in the brain with the new neuroscience; our brains light up at the faces of others. For humans, nothing is more entertaining than a human face.

“It is not good for man to be alone” says the Bible. Even though we can all admit that at times it is a great relief. (John Barrymore), we know that solitude is a good place to visit but a bad place to live. We Americans especially have a love/hate relationship with reliance on others. We value rugged individualism and a “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps” philosophy. But we are really interdependent animals.  While we celebrate self-reliance, the reality is that ‘no man is an island’ and it is by cultivating relationships with each other where we find true satisfaction.  In uncovering a second passion after her successful acting career, Audrey Hepburn became an ambassador for the United Nations and recognized the dual nature of the power of two sharing her experience that, “As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.”

We provide a helping hand for those we love almost without a second thought.  Special calls, meals prepared, additional visits, or late night conversations to soothe a troubled soul or body.  As we reach out to others, we are blessed with the knowledge that we are connected to each other in the same/new way. 

Intrinsic as it may seem, we do have a choice.  We can choose not to connect by ignoring the needs of others, being blind to those around us through our pride or prejudice.  Bryce Courtenay in his novel, The Power of One, clarifies the distinction, “Inside all people there is love, also the need to take care of the other man who is his brother.  Inside everyone is a savage, but there is also happening tenderness and compassion.”  The choice is ours.  It is choosing to connect in tenderness and compassion that transforms the Law of Two into the Power of Two. (Meb)